Move the Sex Talk to Sex Conversations: A Powerful First Step

Sex conversations? Sex talk?

What’s in a word or a phrase? For some, those phrases can stop you in your tracks.

When you read “sex talk,” did it pull you back to your young self, who was watching a parent struggle to provide you with needed information?

Or were you the parent, rubbing your sweaty palms, wishing you were anywhere instead of trying to figure out the right things to say to a child?

For those who never experienced comprehensive sex education, sex talk is synonymous with perhaps the ONLY time a parent shared sex info.

But as an adult, did that phrase mean something else? You know what I mean.

As an adult, if you hear, “we need to talk,” you probably get nervous. And if that talk has something to do with sex, it may be tied to fear or anxiety?

Did you conjure up a scary picture? STI, HIV, or pregnancy? Or how about I’m infertile, I’m impotent, I’m bisexual, trans, or asexual?

I want to help folks get past the negative reactions of a “talk” or “conversation” and make sex discussions feel normal. I’m working to make daily conversation about sex part of the everyday business of life. That’s why I have put my social audio Twitter Spaces weekly event, The Sexuality Space, in the middle of the day.

I want to assist people to lay down their sexual stigmas around sex talking and normalize a sex conversation for sex-positive goodness.

The First Step to Sex Conversations

Consider a sex conversation as the one you can begin with your SELF.

You can create it to be a continuous conversation, moment to moment, with your own sexuality.

Know who you are, what you believe, what you like, and what connects you to the world around you. Have that information free-flowing by checking in with yourself daily to know where you are at that point in time.

Remember, moments pass. People grow. Motivations change.

Stay aware of that information inside yourself with your sexuality.

Here’s Your Basic Tool

A PEMS Scan with Recorded Answers.

A PEMS scan is a process of actively scanning your body for sexual information and data. Think of it as a wellness tool built inside of you to do this work. You will scan four components of your holistic self physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. These parts of your body will hold the information.

What you need to begin:

Time: Fifteen minutes.

Materials: Quiet space. A journal for recording the info. Select a color, a tone, a song, a picture, a scent, a taste, or an item to let your body know you are ready to begin.

Instructions: Sit with your selection for fifteen seconds and allow yourself to set the intention for sexual discovery. Scan.

With this practice and information, you are on the path to becoming your own sexuality expert. When you access the information in these areas, you invite sexuality into all your life.

Your PEMS Questions

The information you need resides in the four areas of your body. PEMS = Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Use the following questions to gather new information.

Physical– What did I experience in my body today related to sexuality? Where did I feel it?

What from the tactile world brought me information or pleasure? What touch didn’t?

Emotional – What feelings did I express through my sexuality? Happy, Angry, Fear, Sad. How did my sexuality help me express them?

Mental – What did I investigate about my sexual thinking? Which unhelpful sexual messages showed up? What did I do with them? What new sexual content do I want to explore and consider?

Spiritual -How did I connect on a higher plane with my sexuality? Mediation. Prayer. Affirmations. Oracles. Readings. What type of setting or space did I flourish in to capture this essence? Can I recreate it?

These questions serve as a basic template. Consider adding free-flowing questions, or stream of consciousness thought, as the information flows to you. This is you following the information your body gave you. Trust the process.

Your Outcome

When you set this as a daily ritual for yourself, it keeps your internal lines of communication open. It becomes your sexual conversation with yourself. You can create a time weekly or monthly to reflect on your changes. With this practice, you will know and understand all the sexual components of yourself.

This process normalizes sexuality for you.

Once you have a clear evaluation process of yourself, you’ll be prepared with information to share with others. Most people go their entire lives without self-reflection or evaluation. Taking charge of yourself is a tremendous step in taking charge of your sexuality. Then you’ll have a solid foundation to build a relationship.

New Sex Conversations Begin

Moving away from a sex talk to sex conversations with yourself, you have a way to make sexuality positive in your life.

• Set time aside to be with yourself.
• Use your PEMS scan.
• Collect the information.
• Monitor the changes.
• Repeat.

Give yourself grace, gratitude, kindness, pleasure, and love as you begin this conversation of connection to yourself.

If you want additional support or information, join The Sexuality Space for this conversation on May 11, 2022, NOON ET.