Raw Heat Lies in the Mechanics of Relational Intimacy

Let’s discuss the mechanics of relational intimacy or a complete relational sexual system. When you write, do you know how to create the relationship? How do you measure the emotion and heat and know where it comes from? You may not even think about the way I described it. But as a sex therapist, I can tell you that individuals negotiate relational sexual systems based on their own sense of self—to be exact, how much ‘self’ a person has. How would you show this in writing? And where does this come through in sex?

What Have You Used to Create the Relational Intimacy?

Just this morning, I got a notification from an author who is highlighting how she used Enneagrams and personality types to create the characters. It highlights their fears, motivations, and desires. The system I employ is based on sex therapy and it using sex as the elicitation window for those same things. I also combine it with Helen Fisher’s Personality Test, which I will write about next week.

The Sexual Crucible

Does it get more personal than taking your clothes off in front of another person? Yes, it does. It’s called emotional vulnerability. It shows who you are or who you hope to be through sex.

Think of it this way. When you look deep into someone’s eyes, are the blinds up or down, barely open, tilted a little so you can only see a tiny portion of who they are in their soul? People can be stark naked but not be openly vulnerable to what a sexual connection can be.

According to David Schnarch, an intimate relationship is the perfect container, a crucible to work emotions of all sorts: pain, anger, gridlock, desire, and growth. Sexuality is the ideal catalyst for self-improvement and growth. This is where the raw heat sits.

How Does this Manifest in a Relational Intimacy?

When someone gets too close to another, their ‘self’ will get a workout. We have different ways to work. This applies to yourself or your characters. You may have characters perfunctorily blow up, so they don’t have to be close. There might be lots of emotional fusion and reactivity and stalemate. You may have characters cut off their emotions and leave, physically or emotionally. You may have characters act like it’s the other’s fault and take over the situation, which leaves one person being taken over. These are emotional responses that relate to the strength of self.

In using the sexual crucible, Schnarch believed that differentiation was the way of personal growth. Differentiation alleviates the mentioned ways and replaces them with one for movement and growth. This process grows the self.

Differentiation means this:

• You can maintain you and your views when you are close to another.
• When other people get reactive, you stay calm.
• When you experience intense emotions, you moderate them to use your judgment.
• And when you do the three things above, you can tolerate the uncomfortable feeling for growth.

Conclusion

Just like the adage, it takes two to tango, the sexual crucible can show you how the complete sexual relationship works. Remember, the tango embodies emotion in actions. It is all about how you work your self to grow and how strong the self is. Navigating and negotiating through sex is a powerful vehicle to show this. When shown in writing, it is realistic and relatable.

The Fiction Writer’s Sexuality Guide provides detail about this and includes worksheets to map out your characters.

If this your first read of my FWSG Blog Post? This is where it started.