How to Become Your Best Sexual Self. Mind. Body. Heart. Spirit.

For any starting point on your sexuality, let’s think about structure. I’ve found the best way to approach this personal learning is to use a holistic sex-positive approach focusing on Body. Mind. Heart. Spirit. If you want to become your best sexual self, you need to learn about yourself within the layers of your sexual self. As sexual beings, when we learn what makes us tick, we can use that information to expand and improve our quality of life within our sexuality.

Defining Your Sexual Self in Sexual Health

My first degree always gets me rolling. Health education. Here sexual health education.

According to the World Association of Sexual Health (WAS), “sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences free of coercion, discrimination and violence.”

I present this definition because, without formal sex education, we don’t necessarily have a way to structure our thinking paradigm around sex. That is the case when talking about sex and sexuality. Most folks don’t pull out sex as the part of sexuality we know. Understanding the broader aspect of sexuality can help us identify our specific ideas of sex. Let’s see what sexuality encompasses according to WAS.

With this broader continuum of sexuality, it is easier to appreciate the components of our bodies that support our sexuality, physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual (PEMS).

Know Where Your Sexual Information and Experience Lives in PEMS

Body-Physical. Dedicate time to learning about your body and write what you learn.

For our sexual body, one basic component tied to sexual health is our anatomy. We can name and understand the sexual parts of our bodies. This helps us normalize all that we are and become comfortable with it.

Think of the children’s song with head and shoulders, knees, and toes. We are teaching folks about body parts in an easy and fun manner. How do we do that in real life for our sexual parts so that, over time, it is familiar?

Ways to Learn

• Explore for the sake of exploration. Our skin is the largest organ in our body. Make friends with it. Nourish it and appreciate it. Provide various touches. Loving or teasing or firm strokes. Use a bath or lotion to activate your skin’s sensory parts.
• Use a mirror. Look at your genitals. Get up close and personal. Use a book and learn your parts. Know how your body feels unaroused and aroused. With knowledge comes the ability to share with a partner.
• Create a “body map” of what your skin likes and how those sensations change. Name what causes your skin response to sensation to change. You can make an individual map and one that involves another’s touch. Both provide different information. Note it.
• Identify and use pleasure tools. Vibrators. Dildos. Feathers. Fur. Think tactile. Explore how your body responds to different textures and vibrations.

Heart-Emotions. Dedicate time to discovering your genuine desires.

Identifying what we want is important.

Sometimes it’s a process of elimination. Maybe you say, this is what I do not want. Ask yourself what the opposite of that is. It might help you get closer to your real wants.

When you name a want, consider a small step you can make to get closer to it. This way, you own, you are worthy.

Maybe consider that heart-emotion aligns with the body-desire and mind-beliefs. The seat of love and compassion, sharing the heart-emotion helps us to feel happiness and positivity.

Our ideas of openness, strength, and truth also lie in the heart. We need to experience these on a deep level to share. That is why beginning with your truths is important.

Mind-Mental. Dedicate time to practice mindfulness, releasing, and receiving.

We identify and replace negative sexual thoughts to make room for ourselves to grow. Pick a sexual topic and consider how you think about it. Where did those ideas come from? (People in your life, culture, religion and/or church, institutions, books, media, etc.) Would you like to release the old, outdated idea? Try Release and Receive Breathing.

Create a mindful breathing practice.

Center yourself on the idea you want to release. As you breathe out, tell yourself to release it. As you breathe in, visualize you are making additional space for a supportive and healthful idea.

Speak Affirmations to Get Comfortable with Your Sexual Self.

Here are examples from my Purple Sex Reflection Deck.

“I embrace my body image as it creates the relationship I have with my sexual self.”

“I invite my erotic metal imagery to support me on my sexual journey.”

“I balance all my senses to reach my full sexual awareness.”

“I am open to my sexual pleasure in all its forms.”

You can take the Body, Heart, Mind & Spirit Components are create more personalized affirmations for yourself.

Spirit- Spiritual. Stop and be grateful in life for even small things in your sexual life.

When we move that into action while reflecting on our deepest values, we balance and align to become our best sexual selves. Through deep reflection, we gain alignment and clarity, allowing us to live in a manner that reflects our values.

Create Your Self-Reflection Practice.

Call your practice Quiet Listening. We are good at providing an ear to a friend or loved one, but do we do that for ourselves?

Meditation practice through your senses.

Sight. Be where the sights around you align with your highest sexual self.

Sound. You may use music or rhythms to center your sexual self. Drums. Or even nature sounds.

Touch. Experiential. Create a movement meditation. Sacred sexy dance. Walking or any movement.

You may use smell and taste to center on your gratefulness for sex and what resonates with your sexual self.

Be part of a Community.

Facilitating a healthy spirit includes being part of a community to share yourself with others and to give, expecting nothing tangible in return. You are part of something bigger than you.

Working Your Body, Heart, Mind, and Spirit Together

While I listed body, heart, mind, and spirit as singular components, our experience of them isn’t linear. It’s more complex.

We may have a thought that resonates in a feeling that activates in our body and confronts our spirit.

Or we may experience something in our body that touches our spirit. We feel it intensely and create new thoughts.

It is a process of experience that is linked. Still, by acknowledging the areas of our body where sexual information lives, we can begin a true process of sexual exploration and discovery.

So what to do now? Think of your relationship with your sexual self as a new hobby.

• Investigate.
• Get information.
• Check out resources. Talk to people.
• Create your practice and experiences.