Sex Conversation Starters to Improve Intimacy in Relationships

What is a sex conversation starter? Sometimes people just don’t know how to begin a conversation related to sex. That is so understandable. Those conversations are intimate and vulnerable. We don’t exactly learn conversation skills at school or at home, much less about discussing anything with sexual content. Without formal learning, we use what we know and it could trip us up. We may focus on how the other person is going to feel versus how it is to be clear with yourself and share. While attending behaviors and listening behaviors are important, so is being clear about what you want to bring forward. This is true for any sex conversation, as a partner, a parent, or a family member.

Stop and consider all the points on the life continuum where you might want or need to have a conversation about sex. Markers of life changes. Birth. Puberty. First Crush. First anything sexual. Menopause. Andropause. The point is, that you will have conversations over your life span. So, if you put in the work, it will work when you want to share vital content with those who are important to you.

All first steps might be hard, but if you start with a plan and information, you are well on your way to moving the conversation along. I’ll break this up into three parts and end with starters. The goal of conversation, the type of conversation, and the conversation topic.

A Sex Conversation Starter Depends on the Goal of Your Sex Conversation

Often if we can get clear on our goal, it makes it easier to create a structure to talk.

Check out topics that might help you focus. See which conversation you want to have. It provides a structure and perspective to help you hone the message you want to send.

List of Conversation Goals

• Information. To obtain or convey information. This information could be specific facts, how to do something, or who would be helpful as a resource.
• Sensemaking. If you are addressing a detailed or complex sex topic, you make want to make sense of it beyond a fact-finding mission.
• Perspective and Viewpoints. Maybe you would like to experience the topic through another lens or another person’s eyes to get fresh thinking.
• Change. Do you want to present information to change someone’s mind? Is this by challenging a viewpoint or intention?
• Ideas. Is this a conversation for exploration? What information can we put on the table for possibilities?
• Collaboration: A conversation about working together for a common goal or purpose.
• Deepening or creation of relationships. This type of conversation is to connect with other folks and build new types of relationships.
• Entertainment or fun. A light-hearted conversation to amuse, to provide humor and pleasure.
• Recognition or attention. A conversation to give it or to get it.
• Appreciation. Empathy. Reassurance. To offer it or to receive it.
• Decision making. A conversation to make a specific decision.
• Problem-solving. How to respond to a specific concern and create solutions.
• Reveal Problems. A conversation for a thorough analysis to determine the consequences hidden or unintended of our actions.
• Search for Opportunities. A discussion of opportunities.

I suggest you maintain the conversation as you began it, move through it and conclude it. Whatever the outcome is now ready for a new type of conversation. Hit your life pause button and consider that before you begin again. And if you need to clarify something sexually-specific for you, take your first step.

Which Conversation Type Do You Need?

Which type of conversation will get you closer to what you want? Not sure. Let me lay them out.

There are four basic types. Debate, dialogue, discourse, and diatribe. Each one has a different focus, as shown in the diagram.

Basically, a conversation can be cooperative or competitive and it is also one-way or two-way.

For this discussion, I think dialogue and discourse might be the most helpful tone. First, they both are cooperative stances. For sexuality, it makes sense to meet on the same page.

Dialogue is also a two-way conversation where an exchange of information occurs and you build a relationship in the process.

Discourse, the other cooperative style is a one-way conversation. Sometimes the information to be delivered needs to be one way and then a dialogue conversation can follow up.

While debate is used to convince someone or to win an argument, it may not be as helpful as a conversation starter. We can say the same for a diatribe. Yes, you express emotions in a diatribe, but it doesn’t help build the relationship if there is clear disagreement on the topic.

Tailor Your Sex Conversation Starter to the Sexuality Topic You Want to Discuss

Check out these interesting articles for conversation starters.

First. I liked the article 114 Conversation Starters for Couples, From Deep to Sexy.

This article highlights Esther Perel’s work. It also showcases categories like conversation starters, like deep conversation starters, romantic conversation starters, sexy questions to ask your partner, funny conversation starters, and questions to get to know your partner better.

Second. There are sexy items to get the sex process started and create arousal together.

From dirty talk to games to talking about sexual desires to having sexy phone calls, you might find something that fits you.

Third. Here is another set of questions for first dates, and deep conversation starters for couples early in a relationship and down the road in the relationship. There are also fun questions highlighted.

Aside from these great questions, you can use everyday events as conversation starters. Books. TV Shows. Movies. Conversations. Observations. Podcasts. The world holds wonders that can tap the beginning of a conversation. Listen to the awesome ideas that The Sexuality Space produced today.

Take-Aways

Create your conversation starters for sex based on your goal for the conversation. You can do this by setting your intention and deciding on what you need in the conversation structure.

Use the conversation style that will make the most connection.

Consider the single topic from an umbrella of categories to help you stay centered.

Enjoy the conversation starter resources to help you get moving. Keep adding new ones to your list.